“Every Friday dinner I cook for family and friends. They all praise me for being a superb cook, but preparing a big dinner takes a toll on my well being.” Dana opened.
“I race all day, just to be ready five minutes before the guests show up, then I wait for them to leave. I have been preparing and cooking for two days and at the end of the evening I force myself to do the dishes and clean the kitchen. My friends can leave the dishes over night. They don’t work so hard on preparing a meal, they just wing it. But not me. I cook four meat dishes, prepare twenty different salads and five different deserts. Not to mention baking fresh buns and cookies. Everything is made from scratch.” She explained.
“Wow!” I thought to myself. “I’m coming for dinner!” Jokes aside, this client is haunted by a part of her, that causes her be such a perfectionist.
We all have “sub personalities”, parts, we developed out of a need to survive, at some point in our lives.
For example: a kid who was bullied at school, may become a funny guy, cracking jokes to be liked instead of bullied. A sensitive boy who was ridiculed for tearing up often, may develop a protector part of a cruel man. A girl who was sexually molested may develop a persona of a seductive, to gain power over men. A kid who didn’t get love growing up, may develop an exterior of a “lonely wolf.” I-don’t- need-anyone, as a protection mechanism.
I asked my client to close her eyes, to take a few deep breathes and completely relax into the recliner. I explained there are two opposing parts inside her, and she will be speaking, or voicing, one certain internal part of her at a time.
We called upon the part that demands from her to be perfect. We asked what we should name it. My client answered promptly, with a confident demeanor: “The commander.” I asked at what age it was created, and the reply was “at 18.” This part wants her to be good. A good wife, a great mom, a gracious host, an excellent cook. It wants her to consistently give, to help everyone. It thinks it is building Dana’s confidence and identity as a good person this way. It helps her being loved by everyone and therefore, safe.
I asked to talk to the other part, which wants her to take it easy, rest, and not be so perfect. My client started talking in a gentler voice. She said this part’s name was “Sam.” It wants her to love herself, prioritize her needs and take care of herself before she collapses. It created havoc in her tummy, when she over extends herself.
We negotiated with the parts, looking for a way they will both be happy. After one hour of mediation, we agreed they both wanted what was best for my client, they just employed two different strategies of achieving this. The commander suggested it would become “the manager” instead of a “commander.” It will allow “Sam” to determine the pace and priorities bur it will make sure everything comes to fruition and happens on time. It will back off and not put impossible pressure to perform, on my client.
Both parts seemed happy with the solution we found together.
Two weeks later I received a text with a weird picture. “You see how imperfect these meatball are?” my client wrote. (To be honest, they looked rather identical to me…). “The old me would never let such a thing slide. I used to devote twenty minutes forming the meatballs into a perfect shape. Today, I spent only five minutes, and their non-identical shape doesn’t bother me. I took a lunch break. I was able to finished cooking one hour before the guests showed up, enjoyed the evening and even had the energy and the will to wash the dishes and clean the kitchen!”
